you guys were way drunker than both of me
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
