She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
