sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
