Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She told me I should be a condom model.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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