every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
