Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
