Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
