No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize