my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
