I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
pop tarts are not kleenex
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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