We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
