He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
