So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
