know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
