I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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