Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
