i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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