Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
