i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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