The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Randomize
