We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
