You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
