I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
