So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
