pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
