I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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