my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
