from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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