The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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