He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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