My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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