if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
