someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
