he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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