if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
