I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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