What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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