Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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