Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
