Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
