And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
