I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
