I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
