My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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