I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize