I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize