My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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