I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
