I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
