Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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