Michael Bay diarrhea
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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