you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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