How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
