there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
The Olympian is in my bed
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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