i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
