I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
