Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
