end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
