Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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