We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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