She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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