dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize