if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Drake has all the answers
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
