dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize