The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
