Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
