she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
