sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
