he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize